Me: Mom, my stomach hurts really bad. I'm going to go to the hospital. Do you want to go with me?
Mom: Of course I'll go with you. What's wrong?
Me: I think I have an ulcer.
Mom: Yea, you probably do.
Mom: My daughter is in a lot of pain. How much longer do we have to wait?
Receptionist: She's next.
Mom: Oh, good, thank you. Connie, they say you're next.
Me: Liars. They're all liars. They don't care that I'm in pain.
Mom: Do you want me to hit them?
Doctor: Does it hurt when I...
Me: HOLY CHRIST, YES.
Doctor: Hmm... that's your kidney.
Doctor: You seem to have a kidney infection.
Me: How'd that happen?
Doctor: Did you have pain in your stomach region for awhile?
Doctor: Did you ignore it thinking it'll go away?
Doctor: Well, don't do that next time. It was probably just a minor infection... but now it's pretty severe.
Me: Okay, what should I do?
Doctor: I'm going to give you a shot. In your butt.
Doctor: It's going to hurt.
Nurse: You need to relax.
Me: It's really hard to relax when I can see the needle in your hand.
Nurse: It'll hurt more if you don't relax.
Me: This is my best attempt at relaxing.
Nurse: Okay, let me know if you have any allergic reactions within the next 15 minutes.
Me: Such as?
Nurse: Nausea, shortness of breath, swelling of the throat, stuff like that.
Me: If I do?
Nurse: Then you're allergic.
Mom: You have to press on it to spread the medicine.
Me: Don't touch me.... HOLY CHRIST, MOM!
Mom: Mom's hand is the medicine... Mom's hand is the medicine...
Me: STOP IT. IT HURTS.
Mom: We're on our way home now.
Dad: What happened?
Mom: Connie was sick so I had to take her to the hospital.
Dad: She drank too much again??
Mom: No, not this time.
Dad: She shouldn't drink so much.
Mom: No, I think this is different. Kidney. Not liver.
Mom: You need to take care of yourself.
Me: Normally, I do. It's been a stressful couple weeks.
Mom: I mean, because a kidney infection... that's embarrassing.
Me: It's the first time, Mom.
Mom: Infections are a dirty disease for dirty people.
Me: I'm not a dirty person, Mom. I just had a stressful week.
Mom: Keep yourself clean, Connie.
Me: Mom, I'm clean. Haven't you ever had an infection before?