Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Smell ya later, Dallas!

Candice: How often do you think you employ the F-word?
Me: A day?
Candice: You pick the denomination.
Me: A conservative estimate? Maybe 25 times, SD of 10. Why do you ask?
Candice: Oh, you know, just curious. I like to BM against the best. This indicates to me that I need to increase usage.
Me: I'm a bit flattered that you think I'm the benchmark of class-A F-word usage.
Candice: I thought you would be.

Me: Okay, K. I apologize. I'm sorry for hacking into your Facebook.
H: Oh man, you got an apology out of her. That's a huge step. She doesn't really believe in apologies.
Me: I actually feel bad about it.
H: That's amazing.

Me: Hi, can I make an appointment for tomorrow morning?
Receptionist: And what will the child be seen for?
Me: Excuse me?
Receptionist: Is the child sick?
Me: Is this a pediatrician?
Receptionist: Yes.
Me: Oh... that wasn't clearly conveyed online.

Temm: Wesley used to know that it was you on the phone.
Me: How?
Temm: Your picture would pop up.
Me: Ah.
Temm: But now all he sees is a picture of two hands flicking him off.

N: I have to buy my wife a Chanel purse.
Me: Lucky...
N: What other brands do you think are nice?
Me: You need to go with Chanel.
N: What about Fendi?
Me: Fendi is what you carry around in college.
H: It makes me want to vomit when I hear you say things like that.

Today is my last day in Dallas. It's been... no, forget it. I'm not even gonna lie. It was hot, smelly, and extremely unpleasant. Despite that, my team was amazing, mostly because they let me make fun of them all the time. Special shout out to K since I probably won't ever have a chance to work with him again.

To wrap it up, here are some of my favorite memories:
- When K almost killed N by driving away when N wasn't fully in the car yet
- When H threw a rolled up tissue at N's head as hard as he could; I dunno why, but it was hilarious
- When K accidentally honked at children crossing the street and followed with, 'Oops.'
- When MB ordered the seafood platter and drank six glasses of wine at dinner
- When H asked for data at the most inappropriate time and in the most inappropriate way
- When H talked major trash at the 5th tier consultants in the room
- When J came to celebrate with us and we ended up at some stanky dive bar with the locals
- When N made Partner and I was the first person to find out
- When K admitted that this was his favorite study and team
- When we all hugged it out at the end and said we'll miss each other; though I think I'm the only one who said it out loud

And onward to the next adventure!

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

This, this, that, and everything

This is how I felt all week:

My team seems to think that I've had this stormy cloud over my head for the past few weeks. Oh, gee, I don't know. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I've teetered on DEATH because of this demon cough I can't seem to kick.

So despite my team not giving a shit at how sick I am, I'm actually quite pleased that I managed to stay alive. I know. I'm surprised. I'm hoping that tonight will be the night I actually get better. What do people say sometimes? Mind over matter? Yea. That.

Me: Has anyone seen my purple pen?
Everyone: ...
Me: Anyone?
Everyone: ...
Me: Assholes.

K: That's the worst insult. You say something to someone, and instead of getting a response, they start popping pills.
Me: Did you say something?

K: You talk all this shit about me online, but you say nothing to my face.
Me: I don't talk shit. I make keen observations.

And you know what? I don't care how sick I've been, how much I've worked, and how much I've destroyed myself over the past week. Because tomorrow is motherfucking Thursday, which to any consultant is the best goddamn day of the week.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Texas nights

"There's something wrong with your love story, baby..."

I need to watch that movie. Savages. I'm not even sure when it comes out, but when it does... I need to watch it. For so many reasons.

Now, for the stupidest thing I overheard today... while we were at a sports bar watching the Finals:
"Hey look, they're all wearing the same shirt. Do you think they gave those to everyone?"
No, lady, everyone bought the same f--king shirt. Are you for reals? Dummy.

Anyway, I'm really sick but I look like I'm fine. The problem with this is that no one believes me when I say that I'm sick. But in reality, I am really sick. So instead, my conversations go kinda like this:
"I'm really sick."
"Stop bitching and get back to work."
"I'm trying, but I'm dying inside."
"Grow some balls."
"I hate you assholes."

I hope healthy Future Connie remembers to say the same shit to Future Sick Teammates who didn't feel sorry for Past Sick Connie. Future Connie is going feel great about that.

And to close, a sample of how I interact with Peggy:
"I really want to watch Savages. Tim Riggins."
"Right when you said that the commercial came on. He is hot."
"Goddamn. Tim Riggins."