Wednesday, November 27, 2013

The power of presentation

Me: I asked him for his opinion and I was semi-offended at how flippant he was about it.
J: Did he know it was a serious discussion?
Me: I didn't explicitly state it was serious, but he should have the sense to know.

What followed was a rant on how I only ask a select number of people for their opinions, and if I don't feel that their input is (1) considerate, (2) valuable, and (3) based on the fact that they give a shit about me, then I move you from one circle to another. 

Because I work better when I have something to speak to, I drew up a few pages to explain myself.

Tolerance level
When I meet someone, it takes roughly 15 minutes for me to know whether or not I'll be friends with you (for at least a short amount of time). Sometimes I get stuck with you for reasons out of my control, and if I already know that interacting with you is going to make me want to stab myself in the eye, good luck getting out of a blog post.

Depth of conversation

My ability to have an energizing conversation with you really is your responsibility. I'm not saying that I don't enjoy a good discussion on how ice cream is the best shit ever or on the newest snowboards out there, but if I don't feel like you know how to go one step further into a thought process, I will most likely never talk to you again. Unless I get stuck with you for reasons out of my control. Same results as above.

Interactions with other people
Over the years, I've collected a very select group of friends whom I trust and keep very close to me. And I'll be the first to agree wholeheartedly that girls have the tendency to be "besties, omg, BFFF!" for a few months and then quickly switch to "yea, I know her, but she got too cool/married/weird". But once you make it into that core circle - tested through trial and tribulations - you've made it into a place where you have the power to actually hurt my feelings.

Anyway, my point is that I don't have a ton of friends nor do I have the intention to have a ton of friends. I know that people dislike me and think that I'm a pretentious bitch when it comes to categorizing you into a "useful" or "uesless" person. But I don't fake it, and I like to surround myself with people who care, who think that life is more than about material goods and work, and who actually have a functioning brain and heart. That's it. And truth be told, it's not easy to find.

That's why it's so disappointing when I thought you were one thing... and I was wrong.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

You're lucky I'm too tired to slap you right now

L: I got your request last night for that trend analysis.
Me: Oh, great. When can I get that?
L: I don't really see how it fits into the story.
Me: I think it's a compelling way to start the conversation.
L: It'll take me some time to find.
Me: Okay, just let me know.
L: Oh, by the way, I baked a cake this morning. Help yourself.

Really, lady? You had time to bake a motherfucking cake this morning? You know what would've been really great? If you had used that time to pull the analysis that I had asked for instead of baking a stupid ass cake that no one is going to eat. Yea, how about doing your job? That'd be super.

Flight attendant: MISS! MISS! [shoves my arm aggressively]
Me: Sweet geesus, what?
FA: You need to move your bag an inch forward. It's federal regulation.
Me: Oh, well, if it's federal regulation...

Really, lady? It's a dangerous sport to wake a sleep-deprived consultant just as she barely drifts off after having edited a document she had nicknamed the Mothership U.S.S. Enterprise. Imagine poking a stick at a polar bear while he had just entered into hibernation. I'm sure he'd fuck you up. It's like that. But worse.

L: I think we need to see the document today.
Me: Why today?
L: So we can provide edits by Friday and you can work on it over the weekend.

Really, lady? Okay, sure, that sounds like a fantastic plan. I now have every incentive to do that for you so that I can spend my entire weekend deleting all your useless comments. My favorite activity ever! Ever heard of the carrot-stick approach? If you don't have a fucking carrot, people end up beating you with a stick. Yea, that's what that means.

Flight attendant: Excuse me, ma'am. You can't use that right now.
Me: Use what?
FA: Your wireless mouse.
Me: Why not?
FA: It sends signals that interfere with the plane.

Really, lady? My little wireless mouse sends transmission waves strong enough to threaten the safety of this gigantic plane? Well, if that's true, then I'm a powerful motherfucker right now, aren't I? Watch out, everyone! I have a wireless mouse! Don't come too close or I might move the cursor over your face and Minesweep your ass into oblivion!

I swear, if I weren't such a composed human being, there'd be a lot of bitch slapping happening today. Good thing I'm so nice and patient.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Writing emails for a living

A: You write the best emails.
Me: I do?
A: Yea, they're so weird.

To be honest, I sometimes forget that I'm writing to colleagues - but then again, who am I kidding? I rarely hide my true personality in any given setting. What you see is what you get - and if that means that my colleagues think I'm weird, well... I'm okay with that.

Here are some examples I've sent to my current team...

Hey P -

My main ask for tomorrow from the client is as follows:
1. Feedback on content, chewed, digested
2. Workshop agenda alignment from the peanut gallery

My main ask for P, Mentor of the Month (true story):
1. Review and comments on the workshop document - hint: it's awesome
2. I just wrote this because a list requires more than one line

Okay, thanks a ton!

From outerspace,

Gang - 

Just thinking that for each section, we need to summarize the "how the hell did we come to this conclusion" and then follow w the detailed pages. I only pulled in the pages that are good enough to share - needless to say, we have much more than this but didn't want to put all the eggs on the table until they were ready to hatch. It can adapt, but just wanted to get the "yea, totally" before building out.


Okay team -

Here is the main deliverable aka Mothership aka USS Enterprise currently in all its glory. Still have a lot of floating input around - so don't judge on "hey, where's that page I thought I said to put in here" just quite yet.

Keep comments to yourself. Just kidding.


And that was just today. Oh, and I wrote that first one on my flight which is why I said "outerspace" - which is actually the flight I am on right now - so technically, I'm writing this blog from outerspace, too.