Friday, May 2, 2014

When did SF housing turn into such an asshole?

I always told myself that there'd be a point in my life where I'd earn the right not to worry about certain things.

These things include but are not limited to...
- how to find food when I'm hungry
- how to find clothes when I'm cold
- how to find a reasonable place to live
- how to stab a bitch if she's crazy

Surprisingly, the one that I currently find myself worrying about still - despite following all the rules of getting educated, getting a job, and avoiding jail - is finding a reasonable place to live.

Me: Hi, I was interested in a studio. What is your current rent?

Let me pause here for a moment. A studio? Are you fucking kidding me? When did that turn into a legitimate option?

Me: I told myself I'd never live in a studio.
Sister: Well, you also said you'd never live in San Francisco.

Burn. Okay, back to the story.

Leasing Manager: We have a studio open for $2500.
Me: What's the square footage on that?
LM: 380.
Me: You must be shitting me.
LM: It's a nice unit.
Me: Does it come with gold-plated appliances and a man servant?
LM: We do have nice appliances.
Me: And the man servant?
LM: No.

I thought I must be crazy. This can't be right. So of course, I had to find a second data point.

Me: Hi, do you have any studios available?
LM: We have a studio for $2550 and a one-bdrm for $2900.
Me: What are the square footages?
LM: Around 450 and 800.
Me: Oh, that one-bdrm is totally worth it.
LM: Yea, it really is.

Wait, did I just get trapped in a sales pitch? Did I really just say out loud that $2900 for a one-bdrm was a deal?!? Shit. I did.

LM: Do you want to take a look today?
Me: I can't today. It's a Thursday and I work.
LM: Oh, well, we can't guarantee that it'll still be available tomorrow.
Me: Well, if the only people who look at your units don't work on Thursday, then I'd like to meet them to learn how to earn enough income to pay this rent.
LM: Will you come by tomorrow?
Me: Yes.

All I know is that if I'm going to pay that kinda rent, it better come with a man servant.