Thursday, May 30, 2013

Anger management Wednesdays

I'm like a leaf floating in the water, drifting calmly against the cool of the nascent waves. And as time passes, I'll be there, a speck in the vast ocean of your world. But as time goes on, without your knowing it, I'll fade into the peripheral... until one day, I'll be gone. And the ocean will be free from blemish yet once again.

Me: I'm time-boxing this shit. Five years. Max.
C: Why five years?
Me: Because anything can happen in five years.

Though lately, I've really solved for my own level of happiness, it seems a bit of a facade at times. I feel like maybe constantly saying yes to myself is actually turning me into a crazy, high-maintenance, insatiable, overly-demanding crazy person.

Me: This dumb bitch won't let me into the building. Five fucking minutes. She says I'm too early by five fucking minutes. So she won't even bother to call reception. She has too much power for her own good. Stupid, dumb, useless twat, stealing minutes from my life. If I could bill her, I would.
M: Shit. what time is it?
Me: Oh, sorry. Did I wake you? I was just so mad, I had to call someone.

Sometime around 1998, I turned into the most temperamental person alive. I used to call it teenage angst, but as it became more prevalent in my early 20s, I realized it might actually be an inherent trait that remained dormant pre-1998. Anyway, I got very good at keeping it locked down for a long time. But it appears that my volatile nature is back. And it's raging.

So as I sat here, storylining my work stream, I thought - Why am I getting so mad at text boxes without the formatted bullets? I shouldn't be this mad over something so stupid...

That's when I realized that I need to mellow the fuck out. The fact that I'm taking random shit in my life too seriously is making me angry. And you know what I'm really good at? Not taking shit too seriously.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Stupidity, ignorance, or the like...

There are a few things I know about myself. 

1. I have a set level of tolerance for people. Depending on your level of stupidity, ignorance, or the like, this tolerance can dissipate rather quickly. 
2. I am not judgmental, unless you're stupid, ignorant, or the like, at which point I am extremely judgmental.
3. I don't like being dirty.

The list goes on, but let's stop there since those are the relevant ones for today's topic.

A week ago, I was traveling through Europe with a colleague. For purposes of my story, we'll call him Stove (because that's what my friends ended up calling him anyway). Let me be clear that the only reason I agreed to travel with him was the fact that I watched Taken. And I wanted someone to know rather quickly if I had been captured. Apparently, there is a set amount of time to ensure that I am not sold off to sex slavery. 

Let me add some color to this scenario to give you a sense of how it's a miracle that Stove is still alive. 

Me - an open-minded free spirit who finds great happiness in listening to music, reading, watching movies, looking at art, socializing with cool people, and eating good food
Stove - a boring piece of cardboard who doesn't know anything about music, books, movies, or art, who primarily socializes with others through the internet and has never gotten blackout drunk before

Yea. I know. 

After a week with Stove, I realized that the person I travel with has to have at least ONE of the following qualities. Without this, you are useless to me and if you are useless to me, most likely the aforementioned tolerance and judgement levels will become a problem. I will highlight on how each of these were lacking in my European experience.
1. Knowledge of good books, music, or movies

Me: Have you seen The Godfather?
Stove: No.
Me: No?? What about Good Fellas?
Stove: Never heard of it.
Me: What the fuck... 
Stove: I like movies that have complex story lines.
Me: Give me an example.
Stove: Like Blues Brothers.
Me: ...

2. Strong interest in delicious food

Stove: That looks like it's made out of ice cream.
Me: You don't know what a milkshake is?
Stove: I've never had one before.
Me: What the fuck...  my 3-year-old nephew knows what a milkshake is.
Stove: I don't like milk.
Me: I don't like broccoli but I still know what the fuck it is.

3. High level of competence

Me: Can you order pizza for us?
Stove: How many should I order, what do you want, and how should I order it?
Me: You want me to hold your hand through the entire process? Just order the fucking pizza.

4. A decent level of intelligence and/or cleverness

Me: At least you'll never be homeless.
Stove: Yea, probably.
Me: Probably? You think there's a chance you might be homeless one day?
Stove: Maybe.
Me: Maybe? Are you fucking stupid? 

5. Extremely high sense of hygiene and cleanliness

Me: Dude, your towel smells like shit. Why don't you use a clean towel?
Stove: I figured you guys would want to use the towels.
Me: Your towel smells like shit. Smell it.
Stove: I didn't notice.
Me: What the fuck... how can you not notice?!?

6. Ability to be fun and make friends

D: Look how awkwardly Stove is in this picture.
Me: Haha, that looks creepy.
D: I'm going to crop him out.
Me: Okay.

7. Physically agile and athletic

Me: I'm gonna go for a run. 
Stove: I've never ran more than 2 miles. My knee is messed up.
Me: Shouldn't you get that fixed?
Stove: It requires physical therapy.
Me: Shouldn't you get that fixed?

8. Extremely good looking

I just threw this one in there because I think that no matter how dumb, obnoxious, or whatever a person may be, I'll give him a pass if he's a stud. Just saying.

Anyway, I'd apologize to Stove right here (in case he reads this) for being insensitive to his off-the-charts immaturity across the spectrum of life, but I'm not really sorry. He kept using the excuse that he's young with a rough childhood to cast some blanket excuse for why he is such a fucking unknowing doormat. But this seems like bullshit to me because honestly, we can all sit here with our thumbs in our asses and make excuses for ourselves. 

But you know what'd that make us? Fucking stupid, ignorant, and the like...