I decided to drive down to Torrance today and spend some time with my parents. They're newly retired and have become even more entertaining since they now rely on me for financial decisions. It's really something special.
Me: Okay, so this is how much I owe you guys.
Dad: What are you going to do with it?
Me: Pay off my school loans.
Dad: Why is that balance so high?
Me: Because Mom loaned me money a few months ago.
Dad: And you kept track of it?
Me: What do you think I am? A leech??
Dad: No. Just that you sometimes conveniently forget things.
Me: Like what??
Dad: I don't remember because you don't remind us.
Mom: How long do dried mangoes last?
Me: Normally, longer than you think.
Mom: How about these?
Me: The ones you just put in front of me? 10... maybe 15 minutes before I inhale them all.
Me: Okay, I'll be right back. I'm gonna go to the dentist.
Dad: Wash your face before you go.
Me: What? Why?
Dad: He might be single.
Me: Eww, dad. That's gross. He's old.
Dad: Who says you're young!?
Me: Bye, dad.
Mom: Hey, they opened up a new burger place.
Mom: It's called Four Guys.
Me: Five Guys?
Mom: Yea, Five guys. You wanna check it out?
Me: No, thanks. It's all over the Midwest.
Mom: Oh, you're right. We're from LA. We should stick to In n Out.
Me: I have to go renew my lease for my apartment.
Dad: I have an idea.
Dad: You should move back into the house.
Mom: Why not?
Me: Last time I did that, I almost killed both of you.
Dad: You'd save so much money.
Me: Okay, well, I'm going to have people over every weekend and we're going to drink and do drugs.
Dad: It's okay. Your mom and I will just leave when you have friends over.
Me: It'll be until 6am and sometimes they'll never leave.
Mom: Forget it, she's not joking.
That said, I love my parents. They lent me a whole pile of money today to pay off my school loans. All I have to do now is promise to give them money in a gradually increasing amount every month for the rest of their lives. In essence, they've invested in an annuity called the Connie Fund at an undisclosed interest rate. If I end up paying them more than I owed in the beginning, that means they've been healthy enough to stick around... in which case, I win. Because I love my parents.