Saturday, March 15, 2014

The Bullshit of San Francisco

Let me tell you the myth that is presumed about San Francisco. You know, the one about how all the single ladies in the world should flock to San Francisco because the men are o'plenty. I'll tell you right now. It's complete bullshit.

T: Are you single?
Me: Yea.
T: You're going to love San Francisco. There are so many dudes.

A: Are you single?
Me: Yea.
A: You're going to hate San Francisco. There are so many dudes.

Two months in and I'm now able to say with certainty, all that they say about this city, no matter what you hear, is a lie.

I've never believed in the statistics game. So when people told me the boy:girl ratio would work in my favor, I wasn't interested. After all, there might be more fish in the sea, but who cares if they're all guppies? I'm looking for a whale shark.

But what people fail to realize is that once you whittle down to the real players in the game, it's actually a pretty level playing field.

I'll break it down for you.

STEP 1 - Determining the female players 
Pretty straight forward. If you're dumb, ugly, or unemployed (in order of importance), you are automatically disqualified. You can be the only girl in San Francisco. You will still remain single. All qualifying females, welcome to the Hunger Games.

STEP 2 - Determining the male players
A bit of a filter. There are three types of guys in San Francisco.

Type: Tech Nerd
You will actually never encounter this type. The last interaction he had with a female was when his mom cut off the umbilical cord. And this probably happened much too late after birth.

Type: Stage 5 Clinger
He spotted you as soon as you made your debut in the city. He immediately tried to monopolize all your time and cockblock every potential male headed in your direction. He might be an okay guy, but the fact that he won't leave you the fuck alone makes you want to throw dead kittens at him. Run, don't walk, to your nearest exit.

Type: The Douchebag
He's refreshingly clever, sarcastically charming, and probably one of those assholes who contributed to the increased rent prices in this overly inflated city. You want to hate him, but you can't because he's already given you multiple examples of how he just may be the male version of you. And God forbid you ever end up hating yourself.

Not surprisingly, the Douchebag is the only real candidate. But as I mentioned before, after all is said and done, you might be facing an equal ratio. Or, dare I say, be at a disadvantage. And given how good these guys are at doing back-of-the-envelope math, I think they've already figured this out.

Which brings me to my point. These whale sharks aren't hungry. and they're not going to bite unless the bait is good. I've spent a lot of time with these resident douchebags and it's helped me realized the truth to my theory.

Me: Nowadays, guys think they're being really forward when they send a girl a FB message.
J: I used to do that. But then I realized it's not that hard for me to get girls.

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