Friday, February 7, 2014

Because I hate Valentine's Day

In honor of the impending holiday for stupid people in love, I'll write a few notes on what I've learned over the past year on how you know you're probably with the wrong person. These are all anecdotal so don't get all pissy if it applies to you. I probably wouldn't date you anyway.

He's skinnier than you
Unless you're a total gigantoid whale-sized of a girl, at which point you probably shouldn't have a list at all. But anyway, without going into too much detail, there will be a time and place when this matters - mostly in situations where lifting you will be beneficial. That's all I'll say about that.

He doesn't appreciate a good cat gif
Here's my favorite one.
No rhyme or reason. It always makes me laugh.

He doesn't know who Nelson Mandela was
T: Yea, and he didn't seem that bright.
Me: How could you tell?
T: He didn't know who Nelson Mandela was?
Me: Stop.
T: I said, "You know, the 'I have a dream' guy"... just to be funny. And he said, "Oh, that sounds familiar."
T: So he didn't seem that bright.
Me: T, he was retarded.

He doesn't drink whiskey
At a certain point in my life, I became a whiskey drinker. And with that habit came an undeniable pretentiousness that I actually appreciate in fellow whiskey drinkers.

Two years ago...
C: I drink whiskey neat.
Me: ... the fuck?
C: What's wrong with that?
Me: Nothing... if you're an old white Republican.

Last weekend...
C: What do you want me to bring?
Me: A bottle of whiskey.
C: Seriously?
Me: Bring the good stuff. I'm not fucking around.

He doesn't drink
I don't trust people who don't drink. I feel like they're afraid the truth might come out when they're drunk. Which means they're constantly lying. Which means they can go ahead and leave my life.

There are a whole bunch more, but I didn't want to start sounding preachy. Oh, and I disliked Valentine's Day even when I was in a relationship. So this has nothing to do with that. That's the story and I'm sticking to it.

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