L: I got your request last night for that trend analysis.
Me: Oh, great. When can I get that?
L: I don't really see how it fits into the story.
Me: I think it's a compelling way to start the conversation.
L: It'll take me some time to find.
Me: Okay, just let me know.
L: Oh, by the way, I baked a cake this morning. Help yourself.
Really, lady? You had time to bake a motherfucking cake this morning? You know what would've been really great? If you had used that time to pull the analysis that I had asked for instead of baking a stupid ass cake that no one is going to eat. Yea, how about doing your job? That'd be super.
Flight attendant: MISS! MISS! [shoves my arm aggressively]
Me: Sweet geesus, what?
FA: You need to move your bag an inch forward. It's federal regulation.
Me: Oh, well, if it's federal regulation...
Really, lady? It's a dangerous sport to wake a sleep-deprived consultant just as she barely drifts off after having edited a document she had nicknamed the Mothership U.S.S. Enterprise. Imagine poking a stick at a polar bear while he had just entered into hibernation. I'm sure he'd fuck you up. It's like that. But worse.
L: I think we need to see the document today.
Me: Why today?
L: So we can provide edits by Friday and you can work on it over the weekend.
Really, lady? Okay, sure, that sounds like a fantastic plan. I now have every incentive to do that for you so that I can spend my entire weekend deleting all your useless comments. My favorite activity ever! Ever heard of the carrot-stick approach? If you don't have a fucking carrot, people end up beating you with a stick. Yea, that's what that means.
Flight attendant: Excuse me, ma'am. You can't use that right now.
Me: Use what?
FA: Your wireless mouse.
Me: Why not?
FA: It sends signals that interfere with the plane.
Really, lady? My little wireless mouse sends transmission waves strong enough to threaten the safety of this gigantic plane? Well, if that's true, then I'm a powerful motherfucker right now, aren't I? Watch out, everyone! I have a wireless mouse! Don't come too close or I might move the cursor over your face and Minesweep your ass into oblivion!
I swear, if I weren't such a composed human being, there'd be a lot of bitch slapping happening today. Good thing I'm so nice and patient.