1. I have a set level of tolerance for people. Depending on your level of stupidity, ignorance, or the like, this tolerance can dissipate rather quickly.
2. I am not judgmental, unless you're stupid, ignorant, or the like, at which point I am extremely judgmental.
3. I don't like being dirty.
The list goes on, but let's stop there since those are the relevant ones for today's topic.
A week ago, I was traveling through Europe with a colleague. For purposes of my story, we'll call him Stove (because that's what my friends ended up calling him anyway). Let me be clear that the only reason I agreed to travel with him was the fact that I watched Taken. And I wanted someone to know rather quickly if I had been captured. Apparently, there is a set amount of time to ensure that I am not sold off to sex slavery.
Let me add some color to this scenario to give you a sense of how it's a miracle that Stove is still alive.
Me - an open-minded free spirit who finds great happiness in listening to music, reading, watching movies, looking at art, socializing with cool people, and eating good food
Stove - a boring piece of cardboard who doesn't know anything about music, books, movies, or art, who primarily socializes with others through the internet and has never gotten blackout drunk before
Yea. I know.
After a week with Stove, I realized that the person I travel with has to have at least ONE of the following qualities. Without this, you are useless to me and if you are useless to me, most likely the aforementioned tolerance and judgement levels will become a problem. I will highlight on how each of these were lacking in my European experience.
1. Knowledge of good books, music, or movies
Me: Have you seen The Godfather?
Stove: No.
Me: No?? What about Good Fellas?
Stove: Never heard of it.
Me: What the fuck...
Stove: I like movies that have complex story lines.
Me: Give me an example.
Stove: Like Blues Brothers.
Me: ...
2. Strong interest in delicious food
Stove: That looks like it's made out of ice cream.
Me: You don't know what a milkshake is?
Stove: I've never had one before.
Me: What the fuck... my 3-year-old nephew knows what a milkshake is.
Stove: I don't like milk.
Me: I don't like broccoli but I still know what the fuck it is.
3. High level of competence
Me: Can you order pizza for us?
Stove: How many should I order, what do you want, and how should I order it?
Me: You want me to hold your hand through the entire process? Just order the fucking pizza.
4. A decent level of intelligence and/or cleverness
Me: At least you'll never be homeless.
Stove: Yea, probably.
Me: Probably? You think there's a chance you might be homeless one day?
Stove: Maybe.
Me: Maybe? Are you fucking stupid?
5. Extremely high sense of hygiene and cleanliness
Me: Dude, your towel smells like shit. Why don't you use a clean towel?
Stove: I figured you guys would want to use the towels.
Me: Your towel smells like shit. Smell it.
Stove: I didn't notice.
Me: What the fuck... how can you not notice?!?
6. Ability to be fun and make friends
D: Look how awkwardly Stove is in this picture.
Me: Haha, that looks creepy.
D: I'm going to crop him out.
Me: Okay.
7. Physically agile and athletic
Me: I'm gonna go for a run.
Stove: I've never ran more than 2 miles. My knee is messed up.
Me: Shouldn't you get that fixed?
Stove: It requires physical therapy.
Me: Shouldn't you get that fixed?
8. Extremely good looking
I just threw this one in there because I think that no matter how dumb, obnoxious, or whatever a person may be, I'll give him a pass if he's a stud. Just saying.
Anyway, I'd apologize to Stove right here (in case he reads this) for being insensitive to his off-the-charts immaturity across the spectrum of life, but I'm not really sorry. He kept using the excuse that he's young with a rough childhood to cast some blanket excuse for why he is such a fucking unknowing doormat. But this seems like bullshit to me because honestly, we can all sit here with our thumbs in our asses and make excuses for ourselves.
But you know what'd that make us? Fucking stupid, ignorant, and the like...
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