Because I hate Valentine's Day

In honor of the impending holiday for stupid people in love, I'll write a few notes on what I've learned over the past year on how you know you're probably with the wrong person. These are all anecdotal so don't get all pissy if it applies to you. I probably wouldn't date you anyway.

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He's skinnier than you
Unless you're a total gigantoid whale-sized of a girl, at which point you probably shouldn't have a list at all. But anyway, without going into too much detail, there will be a time and place when this matters - mostly in situations where lifting you will be beneficial. That's all I'll say about that.

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He doesn't appreciate a good cat gif
Here's my favorite one.

No rhyme or reason. It always makes me laugh.

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He doesn't know who Nelson Mandela was
T: Yea, and he didn't seem that bright.
Me: How could you tell?
T: He didn't know who Nelson Mandela was?
Me: Stop.
T: I said, "You know, the 'I have a dream' guy"... just to be funny. And he said, "Oh, that sounds familiar."
Me: STOP.
T: So he didn't seem that bright.
Me: T, he was retarded.

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He doesn't drink whiskey
At a certain point in my life, I became a whiskey drinker. And with that habit came an undeniable pretentiousness that I actually appreciate in fellow whiskey drinkers.

Two years ago...
C: I drink whiskey neat.
Me: ... the fuck?
C: What's wrong with that?
Me: Nothing... if you're an old white Republican.

Last weekend...
C: What do you want me to bring?
Me: A bottle of whiskey.
C: Seriously?
Me: Bring the good stuff. I'm not fucking around.

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He doesn't drink
I don't trust people who don't drink. I feel like they're afraid the truth might come out when they're drunk. Which means they're constantly lying. Which means they can go ahead and leave my life.

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There are a whole bunch more, but I didn't want to start sounding preachy. Oh, and I disliked Valentine's Day even when I was in a relationship. So this has nothing to do with that. That's the story and I'm sticking to it.

A fish out of water...

C: Have a good Day 2 tomorrow.
Me: Thanks.
C: Try not to terrify those tech nerds.
Me: I don't terrify anybody.
C: Yes, you do.

Yesterday was my first day at my new gig. To be honest, it felt like college all over again. Except unlike college, I cared very little about taking notes. I was also the old kid in class. And I was very familiar with how to bend rules.

Kid: You got a PC? I didn't know that was an option.
Me: It wasn't. I wrote in the comment box that I wanted a PC.
Kid: Is that okay?
Me: I learned at an early age that you should get what you want.

I was in a room full of freshly graduated software programmers and engineers. They were all toting around these TimBuk2 satchels and wearing fleece vests - which apparently is the uniform for geeks. I brought my LV bag because I was trying to be more conservative, but that backfired pretty quickly. 

Teacher: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: I can't connect to the wireless internet.
Seatmate: Did you click on the wireless switch?
Me: Do I have a "retard" sticker on my forehead?
 SM: Did you click on anything?
Me: This is not a user error. Your questions are offensive.

I had my computer confiscated only a few hours after I received it. Let's just leave it at that. The point is, I didn't have a computer.

Me: I need a computer.
Tech: Which one do you have now?
Me: I don't have one.
Tech: Okay, which one do you want?
Me: What is the sexiest PC you have available?
Tech: Hmm... the X1 Carbon, but people don't normally get those.
Me: That's the one I want.

I convinced the Tech guy to add an "extremely urgent" sticker on my purchase order so hopefully I'll get my new toy today. I also figured out how to order my own stuff. Despite the constant slew of confirmation emails, something tells me that I'm not following normal protocol. Let's see how many of the tablets I just ordered actually arrive.

Teacher: Click on additional skills you'd like to build.
Me: What are some examples?
Teacher: The page will show you some that cater to your needs.
Me: Mine says, "Diversity Awareness."
Seatmate: Mine doesn't.
Me: My page is being an asshole. I have great diversity awareness.
SM: Maybe you should add "Self Awareness."
Me: Maybe you should add "Ability to keep your opinion to yourself."

I also have to say that I've impressed myself with my abilities to be social over the past two days by trekking my ass to SF at night... though at this point, I'm pretty sure my seatmate is tired of waking me up every ten minutes. It just solidified the fact that living in SF is the right choice for me. Special thanks to Willis for responding to be desperate cries for help.

Still alive and moving the rest of the way to the Bay in 30 days! Congratulate me.

Everything comes to an end...

This was my farewell email to my colleagues. Who says I'm not sentimental?
_____________________________

I was going to write this heartfelt message that talked about how much I learned at McK and how I will always treasure these past years as some of the most spectacular in my life...

... but I read an article on Buzzfeed on how no one wants to hear that stuff.

Instead, I'll say this.

The past 2.5 years were some of the hardest in my career. I was physically sick much of the time and fell asleep curled up in a ball at so many airport gates to the point where the ding of the boarding signal is like a dog whistle to me now. I ordered way too much for dinner, and learned how to scarf down an entire sandwich in 5 minutes at my desk. I also became so severely addicted to coffee that I almost had to go to rehab, except my team kept insisting coffee was a good kind of bad habit. I spent way too much time talking to my SPG ambassador, and used the phrase "but I'm not just Platinum... I'm ultra Platinum" way too many times. And I was given nicknames that included "Slide Ninja" and "The Tiger" in reference to my abilities to shame new BAs who I insisted should be better at using PowerPoint given how it's dinosaur technology compared to the apps they should've coded themselves in college.

But despite all that pain, agony, and palm-to-face nights waiting at Kinko's for our workshop booklets to print, I can admit without a doubt that I love the Firm. And I'm thankful to have been given the opportunity to learn from the smartest people I have ever worked with in my life.

If I'm lucky, I will have the pleasure of working with you again in the future...

Special thanks to N. K. and P. R. for giving me honest advice and for helping me become a better person.

Till next time,

Connie

Worth the effort

The other night, I babysat my nephews while my sister and brother-in-law went on a date. Occasionally, I witness the life my sister lives, and I feel this urge to help. And oddly enough, I thought helping was to remind her of what an awesome person she is to hang out with, and the reason my brother-in-law is lucky to have her.

Sis: Dinner was so much fun!
Me: I'm so glad!
Sis: [30 minute description of dinner]
Me: Oh good, you tried all the good stuff.

Next morning...

Sis: Dinner was so much fun!

Next afternoon...

Sis: Dinner was so much fun!

That's when I knew that she really must've had fun.

I have this unwavering belief that every relationship requires effort. I'm not talking about the relationship my sister has with her husband. That's beyond my juridiction. No. I'm talking about the relationship I have with my sister.

As the saying goes, every person has a different way of showing love. Words. Actions. Whatever else is in that book.

But the way I show love is to adapt to how that person receives it.

For my sister, the way to show her that I love her is to think from her point of view, recognize what she would appreciate, and do those things without her having to ask. And lucky for me, I can do this fairly easily, mostly because I've known her for 30 years.

I think my sister misses the person she was before kids. Not that she doesn't love her kids, I've never seen another human love her kids as much as she loves hers. But before she had kids, my sister was a fun-loving, outgoing LA girl who tried the best restaurants and had great adventures with her husband. But two kids, a full-time job, a mortgage, and endless responsibilities can take its toll.

I just wanted to remind her that she's still that girl. And that girl came home from dinner on Friday night.

As 2014 moves forward, I am continuing to add new goals to my list. One of those goals is to show those around me that I love them, to invest in the relationships I have with my family and friends. And to take the time to learn how that person receives love. Because honestly, it's worth it.

2014: to be a better version of 2013

I was spoiled by 2013.

I finally got my shit together with work. I shared amazing new experiences with my equally amazing friends. I made great new friends and built promising relationships with them. My family is healthy, happy, and very close. And after the turbulence that 2012 left me in, I found inner peace and a rhythm in life that made me feel very comfortable.

Not to mention all the Gucci, Chanel, Louboutin, and Hermes. But we all know that all that shit is just frosting.

As the confetti fell abundantly all over the carpet in our quaint Little Tokyo apartment last night, I started to reflect on my expectations and goals for 2014.

A risky business.

I was always one of the doubting Thomases when it came to expectations. Why set yourself up for disappointment?

But I think the key is to surround yourself with the right people, and most importantly, to have the right perspective and attitude.

One of the key things that I learned from the Firm is that the minute you're too comfortable, you're no longer developing and challenging yourself. Therefore, you should always feel slightly scared, slightly unfamiliar, and eager to learn more. Only then will you become a better version of yourself.

So 2014 starts with one of the most surprising decisions that has shocked many of my closest friends and family.

I am moving to San Francisco.

I have no idea what this adventure will bring - how I will adapt, the people I will meet, the life I will assume. But not knowing is the best part.

The attitude I have going into 2014 is absolute positivity. I will embrace all things with an open mind. I will do my best to always look on the bright side of things, to assume the good in people, and be a kinder, warmer person to those around me. And in the process, I hope to try new things, explore countries I've never been to before, and learn my ass off.

I know that some people may think that I'm this aggressively caustic person who uses the F-word too much (true, I do use the F-word too much). But if you get to know me, I'm actually extremely soft. And though I used to think it was a weakness to let this side out, I find that it makes me happier to show people that I have feelings and that I give a shit about you.

I have no idea what 2014 will bring, but I'm dedicated to making everyday count for something.

The power of presentation

Me: I asked him for his opinion and I was semi-offended at how flippant he was about it.

J: Did he know it was a serious discussion?

Me: I didn't explicitly state it was serious, but he should have the sense to know.

What followed was a rant on how I only ask a select number of people for their opinions, and if I don't feel that their input is (1) considerate, (2) valuable, and (3) based on the fact that they give a shit about me, then I move you from one circle to another. 

Because I work better when I have something to speak to, I drew up a few pages to explain myself.

Tolerance level

When I meet someone, it takes roughly 15 minutes for me to know whether or not I'll be friends with you (for at least a short amount of time). Sometimes I get stuck with you for reasons out of my control, and if I already know that interacting with you is going to make me want to stab myself in the eye, good luck getting out of a blog post.

Depth of conversation

My ability to have an energizing conversation with you really is your responsibility. I'm not saying that I don't enjoy a good discussion on how ice cream is the best shit ever or on the newest snowboards out there, but if I don't feel like you know how to go one step further into a thought process, I will most likely never talk to you again. Unless I get stuck with you for reasons out of my control. Same results as above.

Interactions with other people

Over the years, I've collected a very select group of friends whom I trust and keep very close to me. And I'll be the first to agree wholeheartedly that girls have the tendency to be "besties, omg, BFFF!" for a few months and then quickly switch to "yea, I know her, but she got too cool/married/weird". But once you make it into that core circle - tested through trial and tribulations - you've made it into a place where you have the power to actually hurt my feelings.

Anyway, my point is that I don't have a ton of friends nor do I have the intention to have a ton of friends. I know that people dislike me and think that I'm a pretentious bitch when it comes to categorizing you into a "useful" or "uesless" person. But I don't fake it, and I like to surround myself with people who care, who think that life is more than about material goods and work, and who actually have a functioning brain and heart. That's it. And truth be told, it's not easy to find.

That's why it's so disappointing when I thought you were one thing... and I was wrong.

You're lucky I'm too tired to slap you right now

L: I got your request last night for that trend analysis.
Me: Oh, great. When can I get that?
L: I don't really see how it fits into the story.
Me: I think it's a compelling way to start the conversation.
L: It'll take me some time to find.
Me: Okay, just let me know.
L: Oh, by the way, I baked a cake this morning. Help yourself.

Really, lady? You had time to bake a motherfucking cake this morning? You know what would've been really great? If you had used that time to pull the analysis that I had asked for instead of baking a stupid ass cake that no one is going to eat. Yea, how about doing your job? That'd be super.

Flight attendant: MISS! MISS! [shoves my arm aggressively]
Me: Sweet geesus, what?
FA: You need to move your bag an inch forward. It's federal regulation.
Me: Oh, well, if it's federal regulation...

Really, lady? It's a dangerous sport to wake a sleep-deprived consultant just as she barely drifts off after having edited a document she had nicknamed the Mothership U.S.S. Enterprise. Imagine poking a stick at a polar bear while he had just entered into hibernation. I'm sure he'd fuck you up. It's like that. But worse.

L: I think we need to see the document today.
Me: Why today?
L: So we can provide edits by Friday and you can work on it over the weekend.

Really, lady? Okay, sure, that sounds like a fantastic plan. I now have every incentive to do that for you so that I can spend my entire weekend deleting all your useless comments. My favorite activity ever! Ever heard of the carrot-stick approach? If you don't have a fucking carrot, people end up beating you with a stick. Yea, that's what that means.

Flight attendant: Excuse me, ma'am. You can't use that right now.
Me: Use what?
FA: Your wireless mouse.
Me: Why not?
FA: It sends signals that interfere with the plane.

Really, lady? My little wireless mouse sends transmission waves strong enough to threaten the safety of this gigantic plane? Well, if that's true, then I'm a powerful motherfucker right now, aren't I? Watch out, everyone! I have a wireless mouse! Don't come too close or I might move the cursor over your face and Minesweep your ass into oblivion!

I swear, if I weren't such a composed human being, there'd be a lot of bitch slapping happening today. Good thing I'm so nice and patient.